Moving forward

So I'm starting to feel a little better about things. Most things.

I've begun the healing process from the break-up. I've emotionally and physically distanced myself from him to the point that I will not talk to him and will force myself not to think about him. Which is good. This is what I needed...need. I have to be strong for myself.

I think it was a moment where I woke up and realized that I'm too good to beg anyone to be with me. I have a lot of good in me, and if someone fails to recognize that, then that's just too bad. I'm not going to waste my time beating my head against a brick wall or crying over someone who just doesn't give a damn or even wait around for someone that might not just turn around. He told me that he was "torn and conflicted" - but not torn or conflicted enough to spend time with me. In fact, the few times he has it's been forced and it was like he couldn't wait for it to end. So in the end, I decided I wouldn't even give him the time of day. I'm not being mean. I'm just being realistic.

Now...I didn't want to waste my time talking about him that much. He just isn't worth it.

I did have the strangest "dream" a few nights ago. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'll try to put down my thoughts after I explain what happened. I was watching a movie when my eyes got a little droopy. So I turned the TV off and turned my back to the set. I knew I was halfway to slumber-land. But I had the strangest feeling. I was lying on my side when it felt as though there were hands holding my arms. I suddenly felt something in the small of my back and my breathing started getting laboured. It was almost as though I couldn't breathe. My body contorted a bit, and then I felt like I had no other choice but to lie on my stomach. I felt an incredible weight crushing down on top of me. There was a heaviness in my legs. I felt like I was choking. I started to pant. My arms were clamped down to my sides. And then suddenly...it all stopped. I opened my eyes and woke up.

I'm not sure what that means. I feel as though maybe my body was remembering something and that my mind didn't quite catch up. Oddly enough, I felt a little wave of peace...a little happy that I may have actually "remembered" something (even though I really didn't).

Maybe something will come over me soon...

I hope.